Back in October when I realised that I was going to have to postpone the expedition to the South Pole I was devastated. I felt like I’d not just let myself down but also everyone who had supported and championed me. I felt like a fraud and a huge failure.
Being me, I couldn’t allow myself wallow in self-pity for too long so I took some time to re-focus; listen to my body; rest; and recuperate. It was great to take time to reflect and rethink my approach to training in pursuit of a more balanced life. But still, the feeling of failure nagged me and I found myself battling a negative loop that was constantly playing: “You’re not going to make it” in my head.
In the midst of all that I found that I’d lost key funding that I thought I had secured for the expedition and it seemed to be slipping away from me. I felt discouraged and contemplated quitting the entire crazy idea altogether.
Then, on a routine check-up, the Clinician delivered news that quite unexpectedly threw me. Those of you that know me well know that I’ve never wanted to have kids and have always thought that if I ever did grow any maternal feelings I’d happily look into fostering. So to be told that it is highly probable that I will never be able to have children shouldn’t have fazed me, but it did! For the first time in my life, I found myself questing my identity as a woman in light of my fertility and was taken aback at how it affected me. And if I’m totally honest, I’m still working through it. It’s not that I suddenly have the urge to have a child; I’m just trying to process this news and my reaction to it.
To make matters worse I injured my lower back which meant I couldn’t train for 2 weeks and I felt like this last bit of news was just going to tip me over the edge. I realised I was going to have to do something about internal dialogue. There was n way I was going to succeed with a negative soundtrack on constant replay in my head.
Growing up, when things didn’t go quite as I expected my mum would tell me “Every disappointment is a blessing” and it would frustrate me because I knew she wasn’t just saying it to make me fell better. She was challenging me to look deeper into disappointment and to have the courage to transform tragedy into triumph; which sounds glorious but is actually a lot of hard work!
So today I’m challenging myself to look deeper and to choose hope. I am reminding myself that I may have failed at securing the necessary funding for Antarctica on my first attempt, but that does not make me a failure – I now have more honed fundraising skills! I may also never give birth to a child but that by no means defines my femininity or womanhood!
And whilst not everything is perfect, I find myself still smiling, with an unshaken hope and faith that I will make it to the Antarctic. It might take longer than expected, there will be setbacks and triumphs and that is totally ok because it is going to be an epic journey!