The End of the Story

As I was watching last week’s episode of Victoria I was struck by the storyline of how the Royal Exhibition and the Crystal Palace came into being.

Facing seemingly insurmountable financial and logistical obstacles with the construction of a pavilion to house the Great Exhibition of 1851 in Hyde Park, Price Albert came to a breaking point and wanted to give up on the project.

Now whilst I empathised with his frustrations I wasn’t overly concerned because I know the end of the story. I know that Prince Albert and the committee managed to overcome many obstacles through their tenacity; their ingenuity, and their willingness to break the mould in spite of their critics and naysayers.

As the story unfolded I found myself pausing to reflect on my own incredibly daunting project. If I had a penny for all the naysayers, the doubts, the fears, and the obstacles I face daily, I think I would have enough to fund the expedition in its entirety. Like Prince Albert, I find myself feeling like giving up because of the strain of resistance; barriers to funding; the many impossibilities and the disappointments all seem insurmountable. But then I stop to think of some future reader of this crazy tale of a girl from the Caribbean who decided to ski to the South Pole to raise awareness on Lyme Disease despite her lack of skills, funds, and her blatant abhorrence of cold weather. I imagine that they will smile at my occasional feelings of hopelessness because they will know how the story ends.

I love how a period drama on the early reign of Queen Victoria has made me see things differently. It’s amazing how a change in perspective can shine a ray of hope into a seemingly hopeless situation. It makes me eternally thankful for these tough, character forming and priceless lessons that have become a part of my journey.

And so I’d like to leave you with the following encouragement. If you’re going through a particularly tough situation that seems utterly hopeless; if everyone is telling you that you’ll never get through this; if you feel like you’re at the end of your tether…..then TAKE HEART…You haven’t yet reached the end of the story!

A Pinch of Failure, a Touch of Loss and Lashings of Hope

Back in October when I realised that I was going to have to postpone the expedition to the South Pole I was devastated. I felt like I’d not just let myself down but also everyone who had supported and championed me. I felt like a fraud and a huge failure.

Being me, I couldn’t allow myself wallow in self-pity for too long so I took some time to re-focus; listen to my body; rest; and recuperate. It was great to take time to reflect and rethink my approach to training in pursuit of a more balanced life. But still, the feeling of failure nagged me and I found myself battling a negative loop that was constantly playing: “You’re not going to make it” in my head.

In the midst of all that I found that I’d lost key funding that I thought I had secured for the expedition and it seemed to be slipping away from me. I felt discouraged and contemplated quitting the entire crazy idea altogether.

Then, on a routine check-up, the Clinician delivered news that quite unexpectedly threw me. Those of you that know me well know that I’ve never wanted to have kids and have always thought that if I ever did grow any maternal feelings I’d happily look into fostering. So to be told that it is highly probable that I will never be able to have children shouldn’t have fazed me, but it did! For the first time in my life, I found myself questing my identity as a woman in light of my fertility and was taken aback at how it affected me. And if I’m totally honest, I’m still working through it. It’s not that I suddenly have the urge to have a child; I’m just trying to process this news and my reaction to it.

To make matters worse I injured my lower back which meant I couldn’t train for 2 weeks and I felt like this last bit of news was just going to tip me over the edge. I realised I was going to have to do something about internal dialogue. There was n way I was going to succeed with a negative soundtrack on constant replay in my head.

Growing up, when things didn’t go quite as I expected my mum would tell me “Every disappointment is a blessing” and it would frustrate me because I knew she wasn’t just saying it to make me fell better. She was challenging me to look deeper into disappointment and to have the courage to transform tragedy into triumph; which sounds glorious but is actually a lot of hard work!

So today I’m challenging myself to look deeper and to choose hope. I am reminding myself that I may have failed at securing the necessary funding for Antarctica on my first attempt, but that does not make me a failure – I now have more honed fundraising skills! I may also never give birth to a child but that by no means defines my femininity or womanhood!

And whilst not everything is perfect, I find myself still smiling, with an unshaken hope and faith that I will make it to the Antarctic. It might take longer than expected, there will be setbacks and triumphs and that is totally ok because it is going to be an epic journey!

The Struggle is REAL!

For weeks now I’ve been struggling to find the time, inspiration and words for a blog post that would be worth sharing.  I’ve been putting unnecessary pressure on myself until I realised that it doesn’t need to be epic, it just needs to be me.

So here goes….

I’ve been a busy little bee since the last blog post in November. I’ve been working at getting sponsors so that the expedition will actually happen, which is a lot harder and time consuming than it sounds...especially when juggling it with a full time job and training.

Most days consist of waking up early, working until 5-6pm, then rushing home to grab a pre workout snack or shake before heading out to the gym or the park to do some strength, endurance or x-country ski training. And whilst I am getting noticeably stronger I am beginning to understand that this is a process that is going to take time, patience, rest and lots of resilience.

Truth be told, I have struggled at times with feelings of insecurity with regards to approaching people and companies to ask for sponsorship; with the fear that I wouldn’t raise the money in time for the expedition; with fatigue which meant I had to take a week or two at a time out of training to recuperate when I’d pushed myself too far and not rested; with the fear that I wouldn’t be ready for the expedition from a fitness point of view; and with figuring out the right nutritional balance for my body as my protein intake needs change.

I realised quickly that these struggles were getting me down and that is one thing I simply couldn’t afford. The truth is that this journey is going to have its fair share of struggles and setbacks. That there will be times when I will want to give up and when I will be told I should give up; there will be times when my body or my work schedule won’t cooperate with my training plan. In short, there will always be a totally legitimate reason why I should just walk away from it all.

In spite of all that I have decided that I simply will not give in. After all, my cause and goal are well worth it! So I will keep on taking things one day at a time. I will not allow my fears to keep me tethered or my struggles to clip my wings. In the face of all adversity I will keep on fighting, keep on trying, and keep on believing in myself.

And thankfully it’s not all been negative. I have met some pretty incredible people who have forever changed my perspective on life; I’ve had total strangers encourage me more than they’ll ever know; my family and friends have been beyond amazing at keeping me on track and most importantly I’ve relished getting stronger, surprising myself at just how much I can achieve when I set my mind on something.

There can be no gain without effort and in the words of the new Nike advert…’Nothing beats a Londoner’!

My weekly battle with the 60kg tyre at the gym..so far it's winning but one day soon I'll kick its butt!