A Pinch of Failure, a Touch of Loss and Lashings of Hope

Back in October when I realised that I was going to have to postpone the expedition to the South Pole I was devastated. I felt like I’d not just let myself down but also everyone who had supported and championed me. I felt like a fraud and a huge failure.

Being me, I couldn’t allow myself wallow in self-pity for too long so I took some time to re-focus; listen to my body; rest; and recuperate. It was great to take time to reflect and rethink my approach to training in pursuit of a more balanced life. But still, the feeling of failure nagged me and I found myself battling a negative loop that was constantly playing: “You’re not going to make it” in my head.

In the midst of all that I found that I’d lost key funding that I thought I had secured for the expedition and it seemed to be slipping away from me. I felt discouraged and contemplated quitting the entire crazy idea altogether.

Then, on a routine check-up, the Clinician delivered news that quite unexpectedly threw me. Those of you that know me well know that I’ve never wanted to have kids and have always thought that if I ever did grow any maternal feelings I’d happily look into fostering. So to be told that it is highly probable that I will never be able to have children shouldn’t have fazed me, but it did! For the first time in my life, I found myself questing my identity as a woman in light of my fertility and was taken aback at how it affected me. And if I’m totally honest, I’m still working through it. It’s not that I suddenly have the urge to have a child; I’m just trying to process this news and my reaction to it.

To make matters worse I injured my lower back which meant I couldn’t train for 2 weeks and I felt like this last bit of news was just going to tip me over the edge. I realised I was going to have to do something about internal dialogue. There was n way I was going to succeed with a negative soundtrack on constant replay in my head.

Growing up, when things didn’t go quite as I expected my mum would tell me “Every disappointment is a blessing” and it would frustrate me because I knew she wasn’t just saying it to make me fell better. She was challenging me to look deeper into disappointment and to have the courage to transform tragedy into triumph; which sounds glorious but is actually a lot of hard work!

So today I’m challenging myself to look deeper and to choose hope. I am reminding myself that I may have failed at securing the necessary funding for Antarctica on my first attempt, but that does not make me a failure – I now have more honed fundraising skills! I may also never give birth to a child but that by no means defines my femininity or womanhood!

And whilst not everything is perfect, I find myself still smiling, with an unshaken hope and faith that I will make it to the Antarctic. It might take longer than expected, there will be setbacks and triumphs and that is totally ok because it is going to be an epic journey!

Lyme and me

It all began one cold Saturday afternoon in February 2014. I had set aside the afternoon to wash and comb my hair, a ritual that normally took up to 4 hours. As I was rinsing out the shampoo I noticed that quite a bit of hair was falling out so I reached for my scalp and to my absolute horror I found a bald spot! So I did what any sensible adult would do..I freaked out and rang my mum who spent a considerable time calming me down whilst I googled sudden hair loss and tried to come to grips with that was happening to me.

The following Monday I went to see the doctor hoping to gain some insight only to be told that I probably had dandruff issues so I should get some T-Gel and just relax.  I was seething at this blasé response but thought it best not to go into the emotional stresses of hair loss with someone who was wearing a toupee and obviously thought I was overreacting.  Instead I chopped off my beautiful fro and hoped my hair would grow back again. If only I had known then that this lack of understanding or willingness to look into the matter further would come to typify my encounters with some health professionals as I tried to find out what on earth was going on with my body.

My beloved Afro

As time went on my symptoms increased to include night sweats, fatigue, brain fog, insomnia, heightened food intolerance, low immunity, joint pain, muscle twitching, and fluctuations in my appetite to name a few.

My relationships were affected because I had no energy and was constantly cancelling on everyone – feeling guilty that I had nothing to give. My mental health suffered, as I felt frustrated and separated from everything, which led to mild depression and anxiety. The impact to my identity struck the hardest. If I couldn’t be my bubbly, happy self and be free to be the active and energetic person I once was then who was I?!

Despite all of this I kept on pushing for possible causes. I took an 8 week course of antibiotics which as first seemed to help but after a while I felt the symptoms returning so I went to my new GP who was an absolute dream and helped get me referred to a top consultant specialising in infectious diseases.  Unfortunately this consultant informed me I that I had to accept that I would have to give up my active lifestyle and consider eradicating all stress from my life as I’d most likely be on antibiotics for the rest of my life. In my opinion his diagnoses demonstrated a complete lack of interest into researching the true cause of my symptoms and so having had enough of allopathic medicine I decided to try a naturopath at the London Clinic of Nutrition where I was finally correctly diagnosed with Lyme Disease. After 6 months of treatment on Froximun's Toxaprevent combined with a strict diet and no alcohol due to the effects of Lyme on my liver I began feeling like myself again; which was such a joy!

And so precisely 3 years after this whole ordeal began I was given the all clear and was able to slowly resume my active lifestyle and start training for the expedition. I can honestly say that my entire outlook on life has been totally transformed and although it was tough, I emerged stronger and more determined than ever to live life to the fullest. So wherever you are in your journey with Lyme or whatever insurmountable struggle you’re going through at the moment, I encourage you to keep fighting, hoping and believing that you can and will overcome it!