Red Light, Green Light🚦

Ahh 2021, what a year of change and surprise you’ve been! I’ve often felt like I’ve been stuck in a game of “Red Light, Green Light” constantly being caught out and made to return to the start.

As you’ll have guessed, I’m postponing my big adventure again and this is the first time in 4 years, that I’m truly excited and happy to be doing so because…🥁🥁🥁… there’s a new plant afoot!

I’ve decided to use the extra time I’ve been gifted to expand my attempts and ski to both the North and South Poles solo and unassisted.

To achieve this big dream means that my training will have to change and that I need to get super serious about polar prep.

So, in addition to tyre pulling, hiking, strength training and running, I’m planning on doing a couple of mini expeditions to really solidify my polar survival skills.

My first expedition will be in Norway’s beautiful Hardangervidda mountain plateau and starts on Valentine’s Day 2022, which I think is apt since I have fallen head over heels with polar exploration.

I can’t tell you how excited this all makes me feel, especially as a black woman! Whilst I suspect that many of us have dreamt of doing amazing adventures, few have actually been able to achieve it.

My hope is that polar exploration will become more socially diverse; ushering in an age of gender and ethnic diversity and that access to funding will no longer be a barrier to participation.

A massive thank you to everyone who’s stuck by me and encouraged me on my journey so far. I’d never have made it this far if without you.❤️❤️❤️

Hello Autumn!🍂

Someone recently asked me what my favourite season was, and without hesitation I replied: “The Autumn!”. What’s not to love?! The leaves are changing colours; warm, spicy drinks; there’s a crispness in the air and of course the lead up to Christmas with all the good stuff on telly. As I hail from the land of eternal summer to me this season is simply magical!

But over the past week or so I’ve had a chance to contemplate the significance of this season in my life more profoundly.

As a gardener, I’ve learnt how important it is to plan and put in the long hours of preparing the soil and planting out the bulbs and seeds during the autumn, to be able to enjoy my favourite fruits and flowers during spring and summer. And I see so many parallels in the way that I am preparing the garden for next spring and my life at the moment.

To say that 2021 has not gone exactly to plan would be a huge understatement!

I never imagined that I’d end up spending 2 months in Aruba after having to fly out for a family emergency. And although the reason I travelled out originally was quite harrowing, the trip turned out to be enriching and exactly what I needed.

I also couldn’t have envisaged losing two dear friends who were such forces for good in my life. But as I grieve their loss, I have felt like that grief has unlocked a determination to live my life more purposefully. And that hasn’t meant making big, bold moves, but rather simply asking how I can practice being kind, patient, gracious, and generous in every encounter as I navigate this life that I have been gifted.

So, I welcome Autumn 2021! Because it heralds sustainable change, maturity, and the promise of reaping an enduring reward for the long hours spent working hard to attain my goals and dreams.

Cooperation, Creativity and the Portuguese-Man-of War

I spotted this baby Portuguese Man-of-War on this morning’s beach side tyre pull.

These creatures have always fascinated me because they are basically a colony of diverse organisms, each with their own unique traits, working together seamlessly as a community to survive life on the ocean.

As a fiercely independent person who generally prefers her own company, I suddenly felt challenged to take a leaf from these amazing creatures in terms of seeking out help when I need it and working with others rather than trying so hard to do everything on my own.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that struggles with this but I genuinely find that when I’m faced with a conundrum and need to reach out for help I battle feelings of failure, ineptitude, and fear of judgment. I get so scared of being defined by what I deem to be a shortcoming that I don’t stop to realise that asking for help does note equate to weakness.

Someone recently challenged me to look beyond the perceived weakness and acknowledge that in seeking assistance, advice or guidance I am actually opening myself to countless possibilities and new ideas that I’d never have thought of on my own. In short, cooperation feeds creativity and innovation.

All this from a tiny Portuguese man-of-war!

The Vortex of Uncertainty

It’s been a tough couple of weeks. Juggling a full-time job, an intense training schedule and life in general isn’t easy at the best of times so adding uncertainty and anxiety to the mix makes for a pretty frantic rollercoaster ride if I’m honest. 🎢😓

My anxiety has been off the wall lately and it’s partly because I am nearing the sponsorship deadline (IN 18 DAYS😱😱😱) and even if I get the money I’m not sure that I’ll even be able to go this year as the 2020/2021 Antarctic season may be cancelled altogether due to Covid-19. Which means a whole extra year of training and missing out on major life events of friends and family😢.

I feel like I’m stuck in this never-ending 🌪vortex of uncertainty🌪 and can I be totally honest?! I am SICK OF IT! I know I’m not the only one feeling like this. This pandemic has been such a stressful period for all of us, because our brains are not wired for this kind of uncertainty overload. We don’t know when it will end, we don’t know how we feel about it all; and we don’t know if we’ll ever go back to normal. And if you’re anything like me, not knowing is not ok!

So, I decided to do some research on why our brains react as they do to the 🌪vortex of uncertainty🌪 and share what I’ve learnt so far in the hope that it will help you as it is helping me.

Did you know that we are wired to always put safety first? That means that our brain equates safety with certainty and that gives us a sense of balance and peace. In that state of peace our brains are best equipped to proficiently handle whatever situation we’re facing🧠☮️. If that sense of balance and peace is threatened by a constant barrage of uncertainty, our brain loses its ability to maintain the vital connection to our rational mind, which we need to help us make sense of it all, and we can end up feeling constantly and hopelessly overwhelmed.

The good news is that we can help our brains to re-engage with that sense of safety, balance and peace by introducing some simple steps into our daily routine. These are a few that have worked for me:

• BREATHE 🧘🏾‍♀️: A simple technique is just to take a deep big belly breath in, hold it for a few counts, then slowly exhale and repeat.

• EXERCISE💃🏾: Whether that means dancing to your favourite tune like no one is watching, taking a long walk or training for a marathon…simply move that hot body of yours!

• RHYTHM🎶: Create a simple schedule that you won’t have trouble sticking to and then stick it on repeat like it’s your favourite song.

• BOUNDARIES📴: Friends, family, work..they’re all wonderful and can be enjoyed all the more when there are healthy boundaries in place.

• REST💤: I can’t stress enough how integral to wellbeing your sleep and taking time to rest actually is. We simply cannot function without it.

• FOCUS🧠: What are you focusing on and feeding your brain with? Is it true, is it necessary, is it healthy? Simple practises like limiting the amount of news we read/watch can help in limiting anxiety as they limit exposure to possible negative trigger words and scenarios.

• CONNECT:👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Your family, friends, tribe, team, ride or die… whatever you call them, whoever they are; celebrate them when things are going well; support them when things are messy. Those connections are vital and will keep you nourished in times of deepest despair.

I’ve no idea whether this will resonate with anyone but sharing it has reminded me of a few things I need to put into place again to help me navigate these uncertain times. Know that it’s totally ok not to be ok; none of us have this all figured out and some days all you’ll be able to do is stay under the duvet, eat ice-cream and binge on Netflix❤️.

Impossible is Nothing!

This quote by the great Muhammad Ali is EXACTLY what I needed to read today!

Prepping for this expedition has taught me that temptation to quit can be so cleverly disguised, wrapped in ‘common sense’ and ‘logic’. Logically speaking, a Lyme Disease patient shouldn’t be able to handle the almost impossible conditions of the Antarctic, let alone try to ski in them.

And yet that is exactly what I am aiming to do. I am choosing to do the seemingly impossible and exploring the power I have to change perceptions on diagnosis and treatment so others don’t have to suffer as I did.

Due to injury and illness I haven’t been able to train properly since early November and I can see now that the disappointment at not being able to make it to Antarctica last year and frustrations at the niggles and injuries got to me. So I started entertaining the idea pf quitting. I lost confidence in my ability to secure funding and to be physically able to complete the challenge.

Rather than being honest with myself and facing my fears and misgivings head on I pulled a classic Genny move and buried them instead. But fear is like a cancer, it spreads and wreaks havoc wherever it goes.

I decided I needed to shake things up and face my fears or soon I’d end up having to postpone the trip yet again. So I decided to switch up my training plan and today I trued out a class at the altitude centre and I LOVED it! I’m really looking forward to developing my training plan with them. Their HIIT class put me through my paces with no ankle pain!!

All this to say that if you, like me, have set yourself a seemingly impossible goal and have failed to attain it multiple times, then do not fret. Don’t let fear hold you hostage. Get up, try again and channel your inner Muhammad Ali!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

This Christmas holiday I decided to do something a little different and volunteer for a couple of shifts at Crisis at Christmas. Crisis is an incredible charity working hard to end homelessness in the UK. At Christmas time, for the past 45 years they have run shelters in various locations around the city where they host homeless guests for a week.

I volunteered at a school that had been converted into a little village where they had a cinema, day trips to some local museums, podiatrists, optometrists, hair and nail salons, clothing stores with seamstresses available for alterations, an amazing canteen with pastry chefs from the Ritz and the Savoy and so much more.

It was such an amazing and rewarding experience. Some of the stories were heart-breaking but what really touched me is that even though they were struggling, many were hopeful and excited for the future. Knowing that they were on their way to rebuilding their lives and that although the journey might take a while and be unforgiving at times, things would improve.

Their attitude reminded me of a quote I read recently: “Staying positive doesn’t mean that things will turn out ok. Rather it is knowing that you’ll be ok no matter how things turn out.”

And so for 2020 I am resolving to stay positive, and be thankful in every circumstance, knowing that whilst I can’t control anything, I can control my reactions by choosing a stance of peace, love, understanding, forgiveness and most of all thankfulness.

The End of the Story

As I was watching last week’s episode of Victoria I was struck by the storyline of how the Royal Exhibition and the Crystal Palace came into being.

Facing seemingly insurmountable financial and logistical obstacles with the construction of a pavilion to house the Great Exhibition of 1851 in Hyde Park, Price Albert came to a breaking point and wanted to give up on the project.

Now whilst I empathised with his frustrations I wasn’t overly concerned because I know the end of the story. I know that Prince Albert and the committee managed to overcome many obstacles through their tenacity; their ingenuity, and their willingness to break the mould in spite of their critics and naysayers.

As the story unfolded I found myself pausing to reflect on my own incredibly daunting project. If I had a penny for all the naysayers, the doubts, the fears, and the obstacles I face daily, I think I would have enough to fund the expedition in its entirety. Like Prince Albert, I find myself feeling like giving up because of the strain of resistance; barriers to funding; the many impossibilities and the disappointments all seem insurmountable. But then I stop to think of some future reader of this crazy tale of a girl from the Caribbean who decided to ski to the South Pole to raise awareness on Lyme Disease despite her lack of skills, funds, and her blatant abhorrence of cold weather. I imagine that they will smile at my occasional feelings of hopelessness because they will know how the story ends.

I love how a period drama on the early reign of Queen Victoria has made me see things differently. It’s amazing how a change in perspective can shine a ray of hope into a seemingly hopeless situation. It makes me eternally thankful for these tough, character forming and priceless lessons that have become a part of my journey.

And so I’d like to leave you with the following encouragement. If you’re going through a particularly tough situation that seems utterly hopeless; if everyone is telling you that you’ll never get through this; if you feel like you’re at the end of your tether…..then TAKE HEART…You haven’t yet reached the end of the story!

A Pinch of Failure, a Touch of Loss and Lashings of Hope

Back in October when I realised that I was going to have to postpone the expedition to the South Pole I was devastated. I felt like I’d not just let myself down but also everyone who had supported and championed me. I felt like a fraud and a huge failure.

Being me, I couldn’t allow myself wallow in self-pity for too long so I took some time to re-focus; listen to my body; rest; and recuperate. It was great to take time to reflect and rethink my approach to training in pursuit of a more balanced life. But still, the feeling of failure nagged me and I found myself battling a negative loop that was constantly playing: “You’re not going to make it” in my head.

In the midst of all that I found that I’d lost key funding that I thought I had secured for the expedition and it seemed to be slipping away from me. I felt discouraged and contemplated quitting the entire crazy idea altogether.

Then, on a routine check-up, the Clinician delivered news that quite unexpectedly threw me. Those of you that know me well know that I’ve never wanted to have kids and have always thought that if I ever did grow any maternal feelings I’d happily look into fostering. So to be told that it is highly probable that I will never be able to have children shouldn’t have fazed me, but it did! For the first time in my life, I found myself questing my identity as a woman in light of my fertility and was taken aback at how it affected me. And if I’m totally honest, I’m still working through it. It’s not that I suddenly have the urge to have a child; I’m just trying to process this news and my reaction to it.

To make matters worse I injured my lower back which meant I couldn’t train for 2 weeks and I felt like this last bit of news was just going to tip me over the edge. I realised I was going to have to do something about internal dialogue. There was n way I was going to succeed with a negative soundtrack on constant replay in my head.

Growing up, when things didn’t go quite as I expected my mum would tell me “Every disappointment is a blessing” and it would frustrate me because I knew she wasn’t just saying it to make me fell better. She was challenging me to look deeper into disappointment and to have the courage to transform tragedy into triumph; which sounds glorious but is actually a lot of hard work!

So today I’m challenging myself to look deeper and to choose hope. I am reminding myself that I may have failed at securing the necessary funding for Antarctica on my first attempt, but that does not make me a failure – I now have more honed fundraising skills! I may also never give birth to a child but that by no means defines my femininity or womanhood!

And whilst not everything is perfect, I find myself still smiling, with an unshaken hope and faith that I will make it to the Antarctic. It might take longer than expected, there will be setbacks and triumphs and that is totally ok because it is going to be an epic journey!

Thankfulness

Today I had the privilege of listening to the amazing and inspiring Mark Ormrod as he shared his incredible story. On Christmas Eve of 2017, during a routine patrol whilst stationed in Afghanistan Mark stepped on an IED which blew both his feet and half an arm off. Mark was told that he’d never walk again and yet he has gone on compete in the Invictus games and win 4 gold medals!

One of the things that struck me most about Mark is his perseverance. He has faced an incredible amount of obstacles and has managed to navigate them skilfully. So right at the end of the talk, when the room had emptied and he was about to leave I plucked up the courage to ask him how he navigates negativity; specifically how to deal with that hopeless feeling you get when you feel you’re at the end of your tether and you can either give up or plod on hoping against all odds that somehow you’ll make it through.

His answer made me smile …it was one simple word…thankfulness. He encouraged me to take time to take stock and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for. I immediately thought of my wonderful family and friends; the people who have championed me and encouraged me every step of the way. I thought back to all that I have achieved in spite of the numerous obstacles and total blunders on my part and I remembered all the beautiful moments of peace and love that life has gifted me. Suddenly a song we used to sing in Sunday school popped into my mind:

“ When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.”

As we approach Christmas, which is meant to be the season of joy and all things bright and beautiful, many of you will be struggling. So if you find yourself filled with anxiety and you’re not sure you have the strength to carry on and face whatever it is that life has thrown at you then can I encourage you to take a breather and remind yourself of how far you’ve come. Perhaps you’ll find 1 or 2 things or people that you’re thankful for. Focus on these beautiful things and let your heart be flooded with gratitude and thankfulness…and please feel free to share your stories with me! I can’t begin to tell you how much of an encouragement they will be as I traverse the long and arduous road of preparing for December 2019!

Lyme Hero of the Week

I don’t often share on what living with Lyme can be like partially because I feel like there are so many people who have it way worse than I do and because I simply don’t like dwelling on it.

But I thought I’d make an exception today. As I have shared previously, when I get fatigued I tend to forget words, names and sometimes whole conversations. And today is one such day. I’ll be honest, I am TIRED! Perhaps it’s because I’m juggling packing and coordinating moving house, whilst holding down a full time job, and training and managing all the admin for the expedition, which leaves me with precious little time for anything else. This word loss and Alzheimer like forgetfulness really scares me. I wonder, will it ever go away for good?! Will we find a cure or vaccination for this evil disease so others don’t suffer as much?! As anyone with high functioning and hidden anxiety knows, these questions are a slippery slope into the abyss. But in the midst of all this anxiety I pause to remind myself where I was 2 years ago and note how much I’ve improved, which makes me feel a bit better. 

And then I remember that I am not fighting this battle alone; there are so many others who are also raising awareness and campaigning for proper and timely diagnosis and treatment to be more readily available. People like Mr John Cauldwell - my Lyme hero of the week. Mr Cauldwell and his family all contracted Lyme and know first hand of the many complexities that it adds to daily life. So he’s decided to pledge £1 million if his own money if the NHS will match his offer and begin to invest in treatment options, diagnosis and research on Lyme in the UK. So can I encourage you to take a few minutes to support this amazing cause? You can do this by simply following the link below and sending a copy of the template e-mail to your local MP. 

https://caudwelllyme.com/support-your-loved-ones-in-the-caudwell-lobby-for-lyme-research-funding-email-campaign/

I am literally sick and tired of this disease and I truly believe that the best way to end all of the unnecessary suffering associated with Lyme Disease is to work together to find a viable solution.